The Emperor's To-Do List
(FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN!) The Emperor's List of Things to do after Resurrection The God-Emperor of Mankind is currently taking a well earned nap and totally not dead. But that doesn't mean he's stopped caring about Humanity. He even has a list of things to after he's done taking his nap and has a hearty breakfest. The Holy List (not in any order) #Rebuild the Imperium to its former glory before it got screwed it over. #Drag Leman and Corax out of the Eye of Terror. #Resurrect Rogal Dorn #Go to the Rock and backhand El'Johnson till he wakes up. #Visit Roboute Guilliman and tell him to heal already! 10,000 years is BS!!! #Recushion the Golden Throne #Launch a Holy Crusade to find my missing bottle of awesome-sauce. The key to my success! #Tell the Adeptus Mechanicus to stop keeping secrets and actually try to advance technology and reverse-engineer Xeno-tech so we don't have to copy whatever crap the Dark age of Technology left us. #Threaten to Exterminatus Mars if they don't comply with #6. #Put the Dark Eldar in rehab #Beat Khorne and Khaine at arm-wrestling. AT THE SAME TIME!!! #Devise a plan that is so complex and so elaborate that I can say "Just as Planned" to Tzeentch. #Purge Chaos from the universe and seal the Eye of Terror. #Complete #13 by taking every Astartes, Guardsman, Inquisitor, Soroitas, Commissar...Hell everyone in the Imperium, give them guns, surround the Eye of Terror, and then let the Greatest of all Holy-Shitstorms ensue! #Make peace with the Tau and trade technology with them. #Make peace with the Eldar and trade technology with them. #Eat a live Carnifex without the aid of sauces. #Eat another live Carnifex with the aid of sauces. #Beat a Commissar at a Western-Style shootout. #If unable to find Leman in the Eye of Terror, then send search parties throughout the Empire to find that awesome excuse for a Space Viking, Leman Russ, and if he's found alive, hand his ass to him like I did before I got stuck on this throne. #Destroy a Tau Battle-Suit...WITH A SPORK. #Create a First Founding 2.0 to make the Angry Marines and other such guys canon. #Kick Game Workshop's ass and make this damn plot move! #Personally execute Fulgrim, Perturabo, Angron and the rest of them traitor Primarchs.. after the Inquisition has given them a proper torturing. #F***, trip-out, and drink the whole of Commorragh under the table, and then kick PUNT their stoned arses into Hell. #Somehow find a way to come back without sparking off galaxy-wide religious hysteria. #Curb stomp Abbadon #Beat a Lord of Change Greater Daemon in a game of Chess in only 5 moves. #Teach Imperial Guard generals some actual tactics other than throwing more Guardsmen at it. #Replace the Guards flashlights Lasgun with something that can actually do shit. Guardsmen with Pulse Rifles and Gauss Flayers HELL YEAH!!! #Gather all 1 million pieces of Khaine and put him back together #After completing #31 punch him so hard he breaks into 2 MILLION pieces. #Drag Fulgrim out of his closet. #Teach the Commissars NOT to kill the Guardsmen they lead #Give Alpharius and Omegon a hug for staying secretly loyal and fighting Chaos from within for ten thousand years, then ground them for a decade for all the damage they did in the process. #Be a better father to the rest of my sons, as not to spark another shitstorm that will inevitably cripple me for another few millennia. #Deceive the C'tan false God "The Deceiver" by tricking him into giving over control of the Necrons to me. #See if anything is chasing the Tyranids and see if they're friendly. #If #38 is not true: Launch the prototype promethium planetary bombardment torpedo. #Invent a deodorant that works on Typhus. #Redesign the power armor pauldrons. CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THESE THINGS ON! #Find out the meaning of life. #Make a legendary thunder-shield for myself. #Make my armor out of Necrodermis, I'll be invincible then! #Make Commissar Yarrick into a living saint. #Organize my birthday party. #Out-prank and out-funny Cegorach... probably the most difficult thing to do on my list. #Apologize to Lorgar. None of this would have happened had I simply explained my super-secret-starve-the-fuck-out-of-Chaos idea to him. And then I could have let him preach when everything was as planned. Wow I was an ass. #Win a blinking contest with the Eye of Terror. #Pacify the Orks and keep them alive for gladiator sports or target practice for the Space Marines. #Congratulate Abaddon for doing more damage to the forces of Chaos than my armies could have done in the same amount of time by being an incompetent fuck, then push him down a staircase. #Create a super sleeping pill for the Void Dragon so he'll never wake up. In case it won't work, I will pummel him back to sleep personally. It worked before, thus I suppose it wouldn't be too much harder a second time, but I have a lot of better things to attend to so the sleeping pill is worth a try. #Find the C'tan called "The Outsider" and rehabilitate him. If not possible, kick him into a Black Hole. #Modify my voice so it sounds like Peter Cullen! #Set up arrangements for my return where I launch myself out of a Vindicator and hit a Demon Prince, causing him to explode. #Figure out how to tell Mechanicus to add pimp wheels to my golden throne then maybe a magma cannon or something badass... #Give the Blood Ravens a DNA test. #Find Ynnead and give him to Khaine just so that i shall have the joy of watching pissed Eldar. #Find Rylanor The Ancient of Rites and give him a Chapter to kill the rest of My Now Masochistic Slutty Children. #Outdrink a Dwarf in a drinking contest even though the Dwarves are from Warhammer Fantasy. #Piss off the World Eaters before pwning them all. #Remove the Inquisition. #Make Loyal Renegades return(Why did the Inquisition kick them out of the Imperium anyways?) #Find son #2 and son #11 #Buy some Malzbier. The second key to my success! #Apologize to Angron. If I had saved his buddies as well he wouldn't have turned to evil. #Find a way to come back to life. That Starchild and Sensei-Emperor shit won't work. #Have a dreadnought back-up plan. #Tell Roboute Guilliman to fucking NEVER WRITE ANOTHER MYSELF DAMN CODEX!!! It allows for no god damn good tactics! #Go pick up some Adepta Sororitas in my aforementioned Golden Pimp Throne. Why? Because I have thousands of fine ladies that have been saving themselves just for me punks! #Ressurect Goge Vandire, and then kill him again. Then repeat the process until I get bored. #Send one, just one company of Ultramarines to Warhammer Fantasy Battle to pound them all. They may have come first, but we all know who the better man is here. SUCK IT SIGMAR!!! #Defeat Mecha Streisand. #Found a Chapter with combined geneseed from Me and all of my children. #Listen to Rammstein - Stirb Nicht Vor Mich and not crying over my long lost love #Remove flashlights Lasguns from the list of Imperial Weaponry. #Learn how to yodle. #Master any kind of magic, including the Force, Regeneration, Elemental Control and regular spells wich will not lead to some wierd profecy including some wierd bald guy. #Play Dawn of War #Eat Dinner #Watch the CollegeHumor's Warhammer reference over and over again, and try to figure out if they mean 40K or Fantasy. #Kill CollegeHumor if they meant Fantasy. #Find Waldo #Beat Chuck Norris in a fight #Find out wich is best: The Imperial Guard or the US Military #Go back in time and meet those who made this list #Take 20,000 Push-Ups #Take 30,000 Sit-Ups #See if the Nazis have any resemblance to the Inquisitions' Imperium. #Read all of the Ghost_K Wiki. #Check if i am Lactose Intolerant. #Watch The Big Bang Theory. #Meet The Doctor. #Send the Fury Incarnate to anger management. #Try to speak british. #Aquire the Death Star #Aquire the TARDIS #Become a Knight in all the countries possible #Find out if Terra actually is destroyed in M5000.000 #Drag Jaghathai Khan out of the Webway. #Make new legions for son #2 and son #11. #Facepalm in the irony of how the whole "no gods" and "don't worship me" things worked out. #Get through the Maze of Tzeentch without using hints. #Steal the Planet Killer. #Conquer the Hedoth Empire. #Aquire the Blown Out Sun and it's Fleet and blow up Hive Fleet Behemoth so that i don't have to send Mr. Codex and his Ultramarines to anger management. #Watch Ultramarines The Movie and see for myself if it sucks or not #Find the Black Library and read all of it's contents(It is gonna take a myself damn lot of time, but i am gonna do it) #Curb stomp Eldrad Ulthran for being such an ass, for starting the Second War for Armageddon and other crap. #Invent a time machine and go back in time and prevent the Horus Heresy. #Revise. Invent a time machine and go back in time re-shape the entire universe to my will! #Later go back in time and comedically screw up important religous events, film it, sell it, then go back in time and stop myself, and return to #111. #High-five Davian Thule for being so bad-ass #Film the reaction of the entire Adepta Soroitas when I walk up to them and denounce divinity. (Though I can see why they would think I am a god.) #Slap Khorne, Slaanesh, Nurgle, and Tzeentch, then tell them to shut up and make me a sandwich. #Revise #115 any sandwich made by them would be gross. Just tell them to shut up and get back in the kitchen and stay there for all eternity. #Create a ultra hot Empress of Mankind. #Make a guest appearence in Nurgle's chapter in The Gods' Everyday #Get my Awesomesauce and Mazbier back from Nurgle #Stop the Cole Train #Decide upon a catchphrase To infinity and beyond! #Resurect Morgan Freeman. #Make Morgan Freeman my main councilor #Make Morgan Freeman a saint. #Rule the universe with Morgan, Logan Grimnar and Gabriel Angelos cause they'r both so incredibly awesome. #Have the Adeptus Custodes stop spending 10,000 years guarding the blasted palace and help the rest of the Imperium. #Rescue Isha from Nurgle #Create my own planet killing, doom's-day, death star...thing. #Create a inter-dimentional portal and wage war against the worlds of Star Wars and Star Trek. #Check to see if the Void Dragon or Ferrus Manus are really under Mars. #Stop the Inquisition from killing all of the Sensei. (Why! Just why? I thought these morons worshipped me and now their killing my sons?) #Bring back the Space Wolves 13th company from the Eye of Terror. They need a vacation. #Find Vulkan #Find Alpharius and Omegon. (Cause their totally alive) #Kick the Cabals ass for messing with Alpharius and Omegon's head and WANTING Horus to win. #Beat Tzeentch at poker. #Rage at Kharn on a level so vast, he will run away crying. #Go into a berserker state so crazy that all the Khornate Berserkers will say "Daay-umm!" #Plant my power boot knee-high ''up Erebus' ass! All this crap was his fault. #Do #23 again. #Beat the crap out of Darth Vader #Get a White Dwarf subscription #Be so scary, it will make the Night Lords shit their pants in fear. #Invent a personal theme-song #Co-Host a comedy sit-com with the Laughing God. #Personally kick down the gates of the Ecclesiarchal Palace and demanded why people are worshipping me when I ''specifically banned religon. #Have the Imperium be more tolerant to other races, exterminate the violent ones, but exchange knowledge, ideas, and technology. Doesn't that just sound like a great idea? #Dis-infect Nurgle until he is squeaky clean. #Ponder the similarities between the Terminators and the Necrons. #Send expeditionary fleets to explore outside the Galaxy. #Get a haircut. #Get the armor cleaned and refitted. Because clean uber duper battle armor is the first step to a healthy diet! #Destroy the Warmongers. Me-help us all! Smart World Eaters running around with Storm-Bolters? Not on my watch! #Search the Galaxy for all the Sensei and have a huge family re-union. #Upon my return, kick down the doors to Abaddon's war meetings. And as they stare shocked say, crack my knuckles loudly and say "Your all my bitches now..." #Remove card-board Flak armor from the Imperial Guard inventory and replace it with something decent, like carapace armor. #Forge my own Uber Ban-Hammer! #Run Slannesh through a flaming wood-chipper. Lets see how good he feels after that! #Build my own Epic-class Battleship as my Flagship. #Stop the Adeptus Astartes from stealing ALL the credit. Let the Imperial Guard have some glory too, they have it worse than you numb skulls! #Host of scare contest between the Lords of Midnight and the Night Lords. #Include the Dream Invaders in the scare contest. #Face a legion's worth of Zombies without anyone but myself and my Uber Ban-Hammer and my Uber Duper Power Armor. #Kick the asses of the pretty marines and then let the Angry Marines have them #Find out what Uber means. #Declare myself a Weapons Specialist. #Get 2 AA-12's and out-shoot the Tau #Get 2 M4 Carbines and out-shoot the Tau again. #Record one one the Tau's annoying speeches and play it to them over, and over, and over again till they realize how annoying they are. #Pit Astartes and SPARTANS against eachother and discover once and for all WHO IS DEADLIEST! #Build the biggest Titan ever made in my image. #Make Khorne Flakes compulsary for every Spacemarine's breakfast. #Negociate a peace treaty between Humanity and Hedoth-ity, and all other advanced -itys. #Find a fully Chaos infested world, get an Exterminatus fleet orbiting it, and say: "Gentlemen. Destroy!" #Make an Epic Rap Battle of History with Me vs. Sigmar. #Give the Awsomemarin's Primarch Barney Stinson the medal of awsomeness. #Add The Doctor to my Retinue of Uber-Super-Duper Commanders of the Imperium. #Make another Space Marine game and include me in any way. #Re-Do this entire list. #Rip Matt Ward in half. #Create a Loyalist-Traitor Chapter! -=List entry removed by Thy Holy Inquisition due to suspected Heresy=- #Prior to charging at Abbadon's army, state "Im here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and im all outta gum". #KILL Fulgrim, Cause i hate snakes. #Drink the Demomans booze, eat the Heavy's Sandvich, drink the Scout's bonk and smoke all the Spy's smokes. #Beat my high score in Tetris #Enter Team Fortress 2 and do number 184. #Break the fourth wall. #Fix the fourth wall. #Destroy all the major Chaos forces. #When charging at the remaining Chaos forces, state: "Let's show these bastards what were made of. Cake. Of which is a lie. The cake is a lie. So we're just empty shells. About to kick arse." #Beat an ork in a squig eating contest #Finish writing this list #Find Cypher, and figure out who's side that little shit is on. #Take all Nurgle worshippers to a weight watcher class #Collect a 40k army #Write a heart-warming novel about the mishappenings of an Imperial family trying to survive in a Hive city´s underbelly. #Do all the things that marks him as The Boss. Like Chop his balls off, get rejected, turn into a jet, fuck a fish and so on. #Eat a bagel #Enter the warp. Drag every single Chaos god in there out, AND THEN BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THEM! #Mix One part Red After Shock, one part 151 rum, shake with ice and strai into an old fashioned glass, garnished with a stick of beef jerky cut into the shape of a person, and then set alight. Then drink the resulting "Napalm Sticks to Kids" cocktail. #Give all of my sons a propper spanking for becoming deamon princes! #Go back in time. Just so i can see if i can defeat Horus again with out having daddy issues. (Example: not crying during the fight) #Have sex with Macha so she'll shut the hell up and have my half-human, half-eldar children. Neckbeards everywhere can then rejoice #Bring all squats into the imperial army. #Then...shit, I dunno, go watch Adventure time or something. #Show everyone that My Little Pony isnt that bad- ++Message intercepted by Angry Marines. Recieving reply: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU!!!++ #Resurrect Sanguinius. While im at it, figure out a cure for the Black Rage. #You know what? Just resurrect all my loyal/dead sons. #Finally turn off my nightlight. Seems like everyone was using it for something. Too bad. #Confiscate Ashur-El Artashumara's razor blades and Linkin Park CD's, make him fill his anxiety medication prescription. #Put a cushion on The Golden Throne. #Watch "Two Girls, One Cup" without screaming like a girl. #Convince the orks that the eye of terror is full of booze and guns. #Reprogram the Necrons to run on windows 7. #Make rollerskates standerd issue for all gaurdsmen. #Tell nurgle to pull my finger. #Issue free anti-chaos jabs to all schools. #Pimp the Eldar out to every other race. #Learn to play the space-ukulele. #Kill a dragon just by shouting. #Beat Creed at hide and seak. #Make Batman a spacemarine. #Apologise to Magnus, He was right about the whole "my favoured son will rape all of the imperium" thing. #Win the game of space-time interdimensional chess/cludo/twister against Tzeentch, Creed and Cegorach. #After 180#, find his soul and let Slaanesh rape him, see how he likes it. #Win The "Ultimate Chaos BBQ Cook-off" against the chaos gods and their favoured daemons. #Finish that fucking webway project. #Reunite With the Chaos gods as Friends. #Surf a flying leviathan #Have a meal at the Resturant at the End of the Universe #Cure Marvin's depression #Implement the Infinite Improbability Drive as the main form of transport in the galaxy #Become president of the galaxy - kick Zaphod Beeblebrox out Category:humor Category:DirgeOfCerberus111 Category:Comedy Category:Copyright